Where Am I Going Next?

Farewell, Constellation, We Hardly Knew Ye

2010-02-03T22:35:00.003-06:00

So, yeah the world is pretty much turning upside down here in Space Town. For those that aren't part of the NASA crowd, the 2011 budget published by the Obama administration this week cancels the Constellation program, which was the new human spaceflight program intended to follow the Shuttle retirement late this year. And it has been replaced by - nothing.

I can't even really process all this right now, especially since I haven't been to work in months. I have just two coherent thoughts right now.

First, I like the idea of outsourcing access to low Earth orbit and the ISS to private companies. I really do. However, I am terribly afraid that technical, financial, or legal concerns will get in the way of those private companies realizing their designs and ultimately producing that access. And then the USA will be stuck with no way to get people into space. Without a NASA vehicle as a backup plan, that would be a very bad situation and could last a decade or more.

Second, in my (admittedly limited) experience hobby shop innovation projects that are not connected with concrete programmatic goals rarely ever produce anything useful. This budget removed the programmatic goal and replaced it with a nebulous call for innovation. I see that being a money sink that will ultimately result in the budget being taken away because nothing is being produced.

I could maybe get on board with this if I believed that the NASA budget would be used to fund a series of flight test development projects with very well-defined and concrete technologies that are needed to further human exploration of our solar system. I don't think that's what's going to happen, though.

The administration and the NASA DC crowd is insisting that this is a "bold new vision" for human spaceflight. That we will be exploring to solar system on some yet to be defined timeline. They are going to have a hard time convincing the line troops that's the case. From down here, it looks like the politically expedient way of starting to shut down NASA's human spaceflight program without actually admitting that's what you're doing.

There's a Person in There!

2010-01-29T22:27:00.002-06:00

I think we're on the cusp of the twins starting to get some personality. It's strange how one day they are just kind of little wiggly lumps with vacant eyes, and the next you see them give you a look and you're like "Dude! There's a person in there!"

Screecher is starting to lose his worried old man look in favor of curious little boy. Worried old man was funny, but I kind of like the one that makes him look like a baby more. He's still pretty quick to cry if he doesn't like how things are going. He has a pretty intense pre-cry pouty face, too.

Squeaker is just going to be a sweetheart, that's all there is to it. She makes cute little coos when she's comfy on your shoulder, and cute little squeaks when she's not liking the way things are going. She smiled a coulple times today, and we're debating whether they were almost real smiles or just gas. (If it's gas, she has cute gastrointestinal distress, too.) She didn't cry at all during her bath tonight, which is a relief. You'd think during those early weeks that bathtime is highly invasive baby torture from all the screaming. Still not getting any splashing so I think it's more about tolerating the torture better, but we'll get there.

Gavin says we should nickname Carina Screecher to go with the twins nicknames. She's definitely at that age. Although, I think it's cutest when she puts a finger to her lips and whispers "We have to be quiet, the babies are sleeping" in that over-exagerated 2-year-old way. She's loving the higher frequency of pizza nights that we've been having since the twins came home. She keeps charming the delivery people by jumping up and down at the door yelling "Yea, pizza! Yummy!"

I went to the mall today since it was rainy. I can't go more than 10 feet without having to stop and answer the same questions.

Yes, they're twins.
They're 8 weeks old.
They're fraternal - a boy and a girl.
They're going about 5 hours between feedings once a day.
Yes, I was surprised when I found out.
No, we don't have twins in either family.
No, they're not my first, I have a 2-year-old as well.
Yes, I have my hands full.

How Not to Impress

2010-01-28T15:56:00.002-06:00

How not to impress a prospective employer:

Respond to my add for childcare telling me you are 17 years old, have been babysitting progressively "tounger" kids for years, and you are a "cery truthful" person. Do not capitalize anything in the message.

I'm trying out care.com. I haven't had any good leads word-of-mouth for people that are interested in part-time like we're looking for. One of the MOMs had luck finding someone on the site. I hope the other responses are bit more impressive.

Pronunciation is Key

2010-01-26T22:46:00.003-06:00

I'm trying to put Drake down at the same time Carina is getting out of the bath. I thought I could change him and get him into bed while she played in the tub, but she was inexplicably not interested in playing for a long time tonight. I duck out of the bathroom while she's brushing her teeth to get the diaper changed. I hear her come out of the bathroom and go into her bedroom and figure she can entertain herself for a bit without me. I have Drake on the floor getting his new sleeper on when Carina comes into the nursery.

"Mommy, I'm copulating."

"You're WHAT?!" I look up at my naked 2-year-old wondering what innocent statement my adult mind has morphed into that sentence.

"I'm copulating!"

I sit there with my mouth open, frantically trying to figure out what she is telling me.

"I sitting on my diaper."

A giggle escapes me as understanding dawns. "Oh, you're cooperating! Good job, sweetie! Let me put Drake in his blankie, and I'll come put it on for you." Smiling to myself, I'm already blogging this in my head.

"Mommy, was that funny?"

"Yes, that WAS funny."

As I put her diaper on, we practiced saying "cooperating". She still puts an 'l' in it, but I think I got it to "cooperlating". Not as funny, but more appropriate.

Mythology and Rodents

2010-01-23T16:55:00.002-06:00

Someone, unfortunately I can't remember who, gave Carina a book about the constellations called Once Upon a Starry Night for Christmas. I am totally smitten by her learning to say Cassiopia, Andromeda, Perseus, Hercules, and the rest. She always tells me that she doesn't like Orion's name. And she can't wait for Perseus to get there to save Andromeda from the sea beast. The book ends with the story about Argo, which she knows is "hers". (Carina is the keel of the great ship Argo.) Every time she tells me that "Pegasus is a winged horse" and "'Dromeda is a princess" it melts my heart.

She also, for whatever reason, has been asking me to make squirrels out of her play-doh on a daily basis. Here's the first I did, and it's pretty good if I do say so myself.

After I finish she wants to cut them up with the scissors. I'm not sure what to think about the fact that she seems to get great joy out of vivisecting my creations. I guess I should just be glad she's not asking for dogs or babies.

Slave Labor

2010-01-15T22:20:00.003-06:00

Since I've received a few worried phone calls about the contents of the blog, I guess I'd better post something cheerful instead of just venting today.

Carina has really been taking to being a big sister, as we thought she would. She always wants to help and recently has decided she really likes washing baby bottles. Right after I snapped this picture, Gavin asked her if she could say "slave labor". (She can.) She also brings the babies toys all the time.

Aside on the photo: Only a dad would hold his twins like Rambo packing double heat.

I took the twins today and met some people for lunch. As we were eating, a lady from the next table came over and asked if I was "zoyapunk". (That's a screen name I use a lot.) She's from the local Mother of Multiples chapter and recognized me from my profile and the two babies I was toting around. I've been telling people for a while that having multiples gets you access to this underground club. Only other parents of multiples really understand what you're going through, and they are always sympathetic and wanting to help you get through the day. You also have no idea how many multiples there are around until you have them yourself. The local MOM group is really fabulous, and I've very much enjoyed getting to know some of them over the internet. I hope to go to the meeting next week and meet some in real life.

Last night I went to book club. It was so much fun. None of us enjoyed the book, The Elegance of the Hedgehog, but that didn't stop us from enjoying ourselves. Next month we're reading Playing the Enemy. In addition to having an excuse to hang out with some great ladies once a month, the expansion of my reading repitoir is a good thing.

One final cheerful thought: Today is Friday, and Gavin has 2AM feeding duty for the next three nights thanks to the three day weekend. 6 hours sleep, here I come!

Lost

2010-01-09T21:20:00.002-06:00

Have you seen my life?

I haven't seen it in a while. I think I lost it a couple months ago, and I'm starting to worry that maybe I'm not going to find it again. I already looked in the dirty laundry, in the piles of dishes, in with the baby bottles, and in the diaper pail. I keep meaning to go out and look for it, but somehow it's so hard to make it past the front door.

Life with newborn(s) is characterized mainly by deterioration. Deterioration in the state of your house. Deterioration in the state of your mind. Except the part that is the growth and flourishing of a tiny human being. Or two in my case.

The thing I hate most about this stage is the uncertainty. Uncertainty in how much or how long to feed the baby. Uncertainty in what is currently making them cry. Uncertainty in how long they will go before sleeping longer at night. It's all very frustrating.

It's easy to forget that this phase of life is so short. That that tiny baby you are holding will soon be a big baby and then a toddler. (I'm still in denial that Carina is ever going to be a teenager.) That you will one day feel nostalgia for the newborn phase, even if that nostalgia is mainly possible because you forget how sleep deprived you were.

So I try to enjoy the good moments. I try to remember that they will grow up too fast. I try not to concentrate on the crying and the tiredness, but instead remember how Drake held his head up during tummy time today, and how Eleanor makes such cute noises when she's content.

Now, does somebody have a way to make me remember this when I'm getting up at 2 AM?

Baby Blues

2010-01-04T21:26:00.004-06:00

Having twins is currently kicking my butt. We had it so easy with Carina. She started sleeping 4-5 hours at night about week 4. She was happy. She napped during the day. And there were not two of her.

Eleanor and Drake are actually normal to good as far as newborns go. But since there are two, everything is just harder. We would probably have gotten more than the one 5 hour stretch between feedings if either one were here alone, but when one needs to eat we have to wake both up so that we aren't feeding all night. I am doing OK feeding both of them by myself. But I have to put one down to burp the other during the feedings, and the one that's put down is always upset. So feedings are punctuated by crying. I feel guilty for not being able to pay attention to them during their wake periods like I would a single baby. But there's always something that has to be done right after I finish feeding them. Pumping for Eleanor is making that harder, because if I don't pump right after the feeding I worry about having time to make milk for Drake at the next feeding. In spite of my great desire to breastfeed, I'm considering starting to bottle feed both because it goes so much faster and then I could just pump whenever it makes sense with the feeding schedule.

And I'm tired. Oh, so tired. That one 4 hour stretch was the most continuous sleep I've gotten in 5 weeks. It's getting hard to function. I am on the edge of tears often. Although I know intellectually that this will not last forever, it is hard to make my emotions believe it. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now. Today was better than yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow will be better than today.

Dec 2009 Pre-Christmas

2009-12-29T09:07:00.000-06:00

Twins Come Home

Squeaker and Screecher

2009-12-26T14:37:00.002-06:00

I'm going to nickname the twins Squeaker and Screecher.

Eleanor is Squeaker. She makes these little squeaks that are so cute. She's so easy-going, though. Something is going on that should make her really upset, and she just squeaks in protest. When you're burping her, she has the habit of reaching her arms out in front of her with her fingers splayed. Gavin likes to narrate this pose as "I'm a spooky ghost".

Drake is Screecher. They fixed his lungs good in the hospital - he can really holler. And he does whenever you change his diaper, when you start feeding him, when you give him a bath, change his clothes, etc. Screecher is the littlest crotchety old man you've ever seen. He has this constantly worried expression with a wrinkled brow that makes him look like he's wondering if "those damn kids" are going to steal his milk again. Either that or whether his 401K will last through retirement.

Carina has not been to day care for a week now, and the result of this is that she has finally caught up on her sleep. This has resulted in her not wanting to nap. The other day Gavin came home from the grocery store an hour after I left her in her room, and she was standing in the hallway upstairs. What bothered me about that wasn't so much that she got up, but that she realized she needed to be quiet to avoid getting put back into bed. I'm not sure I was ready for her to be aware that sneakiness can pay off.

Christmas 2009 - Best Ever

2009-12-25T15:27:00.004-06:00

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Both parents were up feeding two tiny mouths.
The stockings were hung above the dogs reach
In the hopes that St Nicholas would not fall asleep.
The newborns were happy to eat and to sleep
The four hour cycle of feedings we keep.
And I in my sweat pants and pa in his too
Had just gone to bed for an hour or two,
When near to my bed arose such a clatter
I blearily woke to see what was the matter.
Away to the crib I stumbled and felt
And found a baby fussing for milk.

I could go on, but I made my main point and that is a really, really long poem.

Christmas 2009 is sure to be a memorable one. Carina had a fabulous time, enjoyed all her gifts, and was excited to give Eleanor and Drake theirs. She got a play kitchen from her Grandma and Grandpa Sheppard that was a big hit, and has been working the rest of the way through her toys at a steady pace this morning. The Tigger and Pooh Bear she got from Great Grandmother Sigvor have been declared "her favorite". She and Gavin are currently building her first lego construction.

It is strange to be home for Christmas. Even when we've stayed in Texas before, we've gone to Conroe for the celebrations. With three kids to tote, though, it was a no-brainer to stay at home. Fortunately, the newborn twins have gotten us out of most of the disadvantages of hosting. Mike and Meg are currently cooking dinner for us while we wait for the next round of feeding to commence.

Eleanor and Drake at 3 1/2 weeks are having a few awake periods now. They were both up for about an hour earlier today. I'm currently having the first of what I'm sure will be a continuous cycle of guilt trips about twin-rearing. This one has to do with not being able to focus on them individually while they're awake like I would a single baby. There's always something that has to be done right after feeding them like pumping, or washing bottles, or paying attention to Carina. It's not that I didn't expect this; nobody ever told me twin babies would be easy.

In spite of the difficulties, this has been the best Christmas ever. It is the first one Carina really "got", and we have our precious new babies. The problem has more been that there is too much wonderful stuff going on to focus on individual blessings.

Merry Christmas to all our friends and relatives!

Update

2009-12-21T11:32:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I snuck out of the house for an hour to go to Target. My major objective was met by obtaining 3 pairs of XL pajama pants and two pairs of XL sweat pants. All these pants will end up being so huge on me that I won't be able to imagine that I was actually big enough to wear them. But, I am now much more comfortable.

I stepped on the scale a few days ago for the first time since before going to the hospital. I was both shocked and pleased to discover that I am now forty - 40!!! - lbs lighter than I was the day before the twins were born. It took me months to lose this much weight after Carina was born. Like six months. Meanwhile, I'm still wanting to eat the world due to the extra calorie demands of making breastmilk for two babies. Merry Christmas to me!!!

Things are pretty much the same with the kids.

Carina is being a wonderful big sister, helping out with feedings and diaper changes, and giving both babies kisses on the tops of their heads.

Eleanor is gaining weight like a champ now - her weight check this morning came at 6 lb 4.5 oz!! She's still not sucking well enough to nurse; it might be a lost cause at this point. I've been letting her "play" at the breast a few times, but she doesn't want to hold the nipple in her mouth. I might take her in to see a lactation consultant now that her weight has stabilized. Fortunately, I am not having any trouble pumping enough to keep up with her feedings, so she's getting breastmilk anyway.

Drake is nursing pretty well when he wants to, but sometimes is more interested in sleeping. I'm usually nursing exclusively during the day and then offering a bottle after nursing at night. I can't deal with 2 1/2 hour feeding cycles at night when I konw we could be doing 4 hour cycles. We've been doing OK with letting the twins get on different feeding schedules during the day and then synching them back up in the evening.

Routine - Question Mark?

2009-12-14T12:02:00.004-06:00

We might, MIGHT I say, be getting into a bit of a routine here. Eleanor has started eating 60-65 mL per feeding, which made me comfortable with letting her go up to 4 hours between feedings if she wants. That makes Drake happier because he didn't really want to get up after 3 hours anyway. It also makes me happier because I get 2 1/2 hrs of sleep at a time instead of 1 1/2. That's a big difference at this point.

It is one of the crazy mysteries of the human body that if on an ordinary day you only got 6 hours of sleep in 2 hour increments, your body would rebel. Done for two straight weeks after the delivery of two babies, though, and your body just deals with it. It complains when you have to get up at 3:30 am, but you feel remarkably functional during the day. I guess evolution has done it's thing.

The house painting got done Friday and we're thankfully back in our own house. I definitely do not recommend timing things the way we ended up doing them. It looks great, though, and I'm glad it's done. The color difference is fairly subtle, but it really makes the room look more warm We put back enough furniture to make the living room usable, but there's still a lot of stuff hanging around in the corners of the bedrooms. I asked the contractor to hold off on getting the flooring people in here until after New Years. I couldn't handle another week of that craziness. We'll put back the rest of the stuff after the floors are done.

Breastfeeding

2009-12-09T12:49:00.003-06:00

The title says it all - if you're squeemish, don't read!

The pamphlets and web sites that tout breastfeeding as the best way to feed your baby, usually contain a list of advantages to breastmilk that contain the following items, among others:

- Antibodies for your baby
- Helps the mother lose weight
- Bonding between mother and baby
- Poop doesn't smell as much
- Breastmilk is easier for the baby to digest
- Less expensive than formula
- No equipment to buy and carry

I'm totally on board with most of these. The last one, though, is a myth as far as I can tell. Breastfeeding for me has always included equipment, and the list just keeps getting longer.

The Pump: In addition to the pump itself, there's the bottle kits that attach to the pump that disassemble into 6 pieces for each breast and must be washed after every use and periodically sterilized. The Pump has always been a totally essential part of nursing for me due to my kids ending up in the NICU. No baby, no breastfeeding, so if you want milk you pump. A lot.

The Nipple Shield: Maybe TMI, but Carina and Eleanor both needed this little prop to figure out where to put their mouth. With Carina, it also helped me not die of pain when she sucked. Instead, I only nearly fainted. Drake is a real man, though, and needs no coaching on what's what on the breast. Yesterday when I got to nurse for the first time, I brought his head close to my boob to see if he could get it without the props. His little mouth opened wide, and he practically inhaled my breast.

The Supplemental Feeder: This one was new this time. When Eleanor wasn't eating well the first day and lost her first 7 oz, the nursery/pediatrician asked me to supplement with 15 mL of formula after nursing. After talking whith the lactation consultant, we decided to try using a supplemental feeder, which is a little tube that dribbles formula down into the nipple shield so that the baby still feels like they are nursing to get the food. Upon getting home, we concocted a unique method of holding the bottle that contains the formula up high so that it would dribble down. Gavin put a baseball hat on my head and clipped the bottle to the brim. I felt like I was wearing a baby gear version of one of those beer helmets.

So, I hope I'm on the equipment down-swing. For now the supplemental feeder is serving as Eleanor's bottle. I'll probably still be pumping for Eleanor for the next couple weeks, but we'll work on getting back to the breast when she's safely gained some weight. Drake doesn't seem to need the nipple shield, so we can hopefully dispense with that. I hope to one day be nursing without the help of equipment and believing the last line on the benefits list.

Special 2 Hour Delivery

2009-12-08T13:00:00.010-06:00

Eleanor's still home with us, the high calorie formula seems to be helping. And she's learning to work on sucking at the bottle, which is great. Jen and my mom just walked out the door to go visit Drake, and I have a few minutes before I must wake Eleanor, so I thought I'd share the delivery. At least, the Dad's perspective on it.

Jen had been tossing and turning a lot for the last few nights before Dec 1st, so I had migrated out to the couches. Then, after 4am, something woke me up. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but Zoya hopped to her feet and went running downstairs. So I waited a moment, and there was Jen's voice again. Down the stairs I flew.

"My water broke."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure!" I actually heard her belly GURGLE! It was most definitely not a stomach grumble.

About 30 minutes later we were at the hospital, with our OB checking on Jen and the twins. No need for an emergency cesarian, twins were doing fine, but the hospital staff would get prepped and get her in shortly. Jen's contractions were mildly discomforting but she was happy and ready. I noticed, after we settled down to wait, that her belly was now lopsided! Only one of the twin embryonic fluid sacs had burst, deflating the right side. It was quite amusing to me at 5am. After the nurse dropped off my scrubs, I spent 15 minutes typing an email on my iPhone to some people at work, to make sure some immediate items this week would be covered. (The mighty iPhone is awesome, but typing three paragraphs at 5am on its tiny touch keyboard isn't the greatest user experience I've had with it.)

"Sir, you better get your scrubs on." And she wasn't kidding! A few minutes later we were wheeling Jen down the hallway, around a few corners, to the operating rooms. The dad always has to wait outside whenever they do an epidural, which is done for cesarians too. So I sat in my chair and chatted with one of the nice cleaning staff. A few minutes later a baby cart was wheeled out by a nurse with a new dad in tow, and after trading congratulations with him I watched them continue down the hall towards the nursery.

The nurses for Eleanor and Drake showed up. Two babies, one nurse for each! Nurses always love hearing that we don't know the sexes of the babies. We talked a bit about possible names; we were all very cheerful for 0630. They headed into the OR to get their areas ready, and I had a few minutes to myself.

With Jen's natural delivery, I had several hours to think and reflect on the imminent birth. With the cesarian for the twins, it was much shorter. I've been careful with both births to try not to have many expectations going in, both for the birth and for the kids afterwards. A few plans, sure, but no expectations. That works well for me; I find it easier to adapt to whatever is needed.

"Your wife is ready for you now."

I stood and followed the nurse into the OR. Bright white spotlights in a cool clean room. Cool, but not freezing. To the far left of the doors were the baby stations with their nurses finishing their set up. To the far right were several cabinets of supplies. A battery of machines and monitors, plus the anesthesiologist, near Jen's head. A blue curtain was set up over Jen's shoulders so she couldn't see what was going on. The operating team was just beginning, with our doctor and a few others gathered around Jen's torso.

I stepped over quickly to the offered stool by Jen's side, and took her hand. The curtain blocked my view, unless I chose to lean to my right and peek around it. We shared a few quiet words while we waited. Jen looked very excited and anxious, like she did at Becca's house when she went into labor for Carina. "This feels really weird," Jen said. She had a vise grip on my hand that I distinctly recalled from our wedding.

The people behind the curtain tugged a few times, rocking Jen a little, and so I peeked. And there was one baby being drawn up into the light! 0644. I smiled and told Jen as one of the baby stations leapt into action, receiving and quickly cleaning the baby. I remember the baby was moving around, but pretty quiet. Several measurements, clearing the mouth, and the nurse said over her shoulder, "It's a girl!"

Jen and I both smiled, "Bristol!" Jen went back to focusing on the odd sensations as the team worked on pulling Twin B out. Bristol, part of my mind reflected again on the name. I mean, we liked it the name a lot... but Eleanor seemed a good name too and I know Jen really liked that. We had been thinking of using Eleanor for the second girl's name.

"What do you think of going with Eleanor?"
"Uh... what?"
"Eleanor. Instead of Bristol."
Jen looked very preoccupied, given the ongoing surgery. "I thought you liked Bristol."
"I do, but I think I like Eleanor more."
"Um... maybe," Jen replied. Maybe it wasn't the best time or place to reconsider names.

But it wouldn't be a Mendeck delivery without having a last minute name discussion! Later as Jen was recovering in her labor and delivery room, we decided on Eleanor.

The second baby was whisked to its station, and was quite mobile and vocal. The nurses attended the baby, and seemed to take their time. Time enough for a few thoughts. Would we get 3 girls? Would we get a boy? Which is more likely to result in me losing all my hair by 50? "It's a boy!" called out his nurse.

I used my mighty iPhone to snap a few pictures of Eleanor and Drake in the operating room. The nurses gestured for me to step over to both babies as they made the baby footprints for the records. They then pressed the inked feet against the chest of my scrubs so I would have my own twin footprints to wear. That blue shirt wasn't coming off that day! Later I received many smiles as I walked around the hospital.

Then the nurses were ready to hustle the babies and me out of the room. I looked back to Jen to make sure she was doing okay, she nodded. Another glance past the curtain to see... things... being moved around as they put my wife back together. I really made the right choice to be an engineer. I was glad I remembered to thank everyone as I left.

There wasn't an expecting father-to-be when I left the OR to congratulate, so I merely took off the scrub pants and booties and followed the carts down to the nursery. The nurses talked about how crazy the night had been... 11 cesarians in one shift! Who knows how many babies they had delivered naturally too.

We arrived to the nursery and they finished taking some weights and hooking the babies up to the monitors. Eleanor was already drifting off to sleep. But Drake, I could see, was struggling a little bit. Expending a lot of energy to breathe. He was breathing and his heart rate was nominal as my wife would say, but I could tell he was going to get tired if he kept that up. A few hours later when they told us he was going to go to the NICU to let him clear some fluid and develop his lungs, we weren't surprised. I'm told this is typical "wimpy white boy syndrome" for boys that are a few weeks early.

While Jen was in recovery and holding Eleanor, I did get to see Drake before they wheeled him off to the NICU. I managed to intercept the nurses in the hallway and, without me having to ask, they offered to wheel by to let mom hold him for a little bit. A little bit turned out to be a minute, but it was better than nothing!

We sent some text messages to announce their coming to the world. It had been a quick morning... labor after 4am and delivery around 0645! It was time for mom to rest as we waited for my parents to arrive. I arranged with Becca and Sarah a somewhat impromptu handoff as the car keys (to drive Carina and her car seat to day care) had not been left left behind. But when that was done, we all finally had a chance to relax and marvel at life.

Life is good.

Rollercoaster

2009-12-07T15:27:00.002-06:00

The first few weeks after any new baby arrives are always a roller coaster of feelings - triumphs and frustrations, successes and failures, ups and downs. The first week of having twins is like trying to ride two roller coasters, whose tracks are not parallel to each other, at the same time.

Drake is doing really well. He's on room air today, and will likely move from his temperature controlled bed to a crib today. He's on the final stretch before coming home if nothing goes wrong from here on out.

Eleanor had her first pediatricians checkup this morning. She lost two ounces. For a baby of her size, especially one that lost a lot of weight after birth, that's a big deal. The doctor gave us 1 day to get her weight up 1-2 ounces, or she's headed back to the hospital. That will require that she take 8-10 mL of formula or expresses breast milk every hour. She's not allowed to try to breastfeed until we get her weight back up to her birth weight, and even then it will only be once or twice a day. The doctor even thinks the normal nipples that come with the nursettes the hospital provided for us are too big and had us get some preemie nipples. (Drake being in the NICU helped us out there, as I was able to beg some from them rather than going out searching for preemie nipples at the store.)

I was so proud last night that I finally got Eleanor latched on and feeding directly from the breast a couple times. Turns out, my determination to get a good start on breastfeeding was exhausting her. I know everyone is going to tell me that I can't blame myslef. I didn't know; I was just doing what I thought best for her. But that's the thing about being a parent. You're always responsible, even when you don't know any better.

When I stopped by the NICU to drop off Drake's car seat and beg the preemie nipples off his nurse, the guy behind me was there to pick up a death certificate for some poor parents. That was really hard to hear, especially as I was already upset over Eleanor's appointment. So, tonight I am trying to be grateful that neither of my children is in deathly peril. They will get better, and I will do whatever is needed to ensure that.

Home with One

2009-12-06T21:21:00.002-06:00

We got home at 3:30 yesterday afternoon. When Carina woke up from her nap, I was feeding Eleanor. Carina was very happy to see Gavin and I, and fascinated by her little sister. She's been very helpful with her so far, and asks lots of questions about what we're going with the baby. She has also been taking care of her baby doll that Grammie got her (there's a boy baby doll waiting for Drake's arrival).

I slept for about 45 minutes tonight with a little baby snuzzling on my chest. It's amazing how much more comfortable that is than a normal nap. Eleanor is still more interested in sleeping than eating, which isn't that surprising given her gestational age at birth. It means I have to work pretty hard to get any food into her, and that breastfeeding once again comes with tons of equipment for me. Let's hope we can get off it earlier this time.

I went to see Drake late this morning. He was down to 1/2 liter of normal air through his cannula. Gavin is there now, but the nurse told him on the phone there had been lots of positive changes just since I was there. I'm speculating he's in a crib now. He might just be home early this week.

Tomorrow things get shaken up again. I had hired a general contractor to do some work on the house back in August. Unfortunately, due to one thing and another, the work got delayed. There are just two things left to do - painting (this week) and refinishing and extending the hardwood floors. Painting is not the most convenient activity to be having two days after bringing home a newborn. We are planning to decamp to Becca's for most of the week.

Feelings

2009-12-04T20:20:00.004-06:00

I got to hold my son for the first time this afternoon. Drake was being put under the lights for slight jaundice (like sister, like brother), and I got to hold him while they were setting up. He was very alert and content looking around at Gavin and I. He's feisty, but I think he's a sweetie as well.

Drake is still on oxygen, but they are gradually decreasing the flow. He's being weaned onto food, and he drains his 10 mL in about 10 seconds flat. He's got a great sucking reflex, so hopefully it will be easy to teach him to nurse when it's time.

Eleanor has stopped pooping blood, and they conclusively proved that the blood was mine. So, she has been cleared to go home with us tomorrow. She's still got a pretty weak sucking reflex, so I'm going to have some work to do to get her nursing properly. She gained back 2 oz over the last day, though, so we're headed in the right direction with the formula supplements.

I think Eleanor is going to have a very sweet and laid-back personality like her big sister. She is so content being held that she doesn't care about anything else - even food (unlike her big sister who shares her brother and father's love of mealtime). Eleanor has a marvelous curiosity about the world that shows in an expression of wonder on her face when she is alert and looking around. It is quite adorable.

We're looking forward to getting home tomorrow and introducing Carina to her little sister. Drake will likely be here for a week or so, we think. So we get to do the newborn at home / newborn in the hospital shuffle. With some additional drama due to the living room finally getting painted next week. :P Guess we'll be spending the week hanging at Becca's, and the hospital.

Twins Update

2009-12-03T12:50:00.004-06:00

Eleanor is still having bloody stools. The pediatricians have been getting more and more worried about the fact that they weren't going away. I got a call about an hour ago from the pediatrician saying that they've decided to do some lab work to test for anemia and a chest x-ray to look at her digestive system. She isn't going to admit her to the NICU yet, but she's thinking about it if the stools don't clear up very quickly or if the test find something.

Sound familiar? Yeah, me too. It's practically identical, except that Eleanor has the added issue of being small and premature.

Being able to care for Eleanor has been really helping me handle the impact of Drake being in the NICU. I'm still hoping we'll avoid another admittance, but it is upsetting to say the least. Is it really too much to ask that I be able to take one child home with me from the hospital?

As for Drake, we went and sat with him for a while this morning. He's still under the oxygen hood, and has been doing better at times. He's still working pretty hard, though, and we haven't been able to hold him yet. It's even hard to look at his face as the hood gets foggy from his breathing. He was sleeping the whole time we were there.

As for me, I'm doing the best of everyone. I walked back from the NICU this morning, and though it was tiring I recovered quickly. I don't think I'll need my supplemental pain meds today. Now if only I could get some healthy babies to keep me company, I'd be set.

We talked to Carina on the phone this morning, too. I wish she could visit. She's having a great time with Grammie, but I could use a hug.

Eleanor and Drake

2009-12-02T22:08:00.001-06:00

Eleanor Marie was born December 1, 2009 at 6:44 am. She weighed 5 lb 15 oz and was 17 1/2 in. Her brother Drake Michael followed at 6:45 am. He was 6 lb 6 oz and 18 1/2 in.

Eleanor is having a slow start eating. I am working hard to encourage her. She is also a tad jaundiced, so she is under the lights tonight.

Drake has been working really hard to breathe since birth. He is in the neonatal ICU and under the oxygen hood tonight. He just needs some practice, but we aren't sure how long he will be there.

I am doing well after the c- section. Up and walking today. There's no wireless at the hospital, so watch twitter for updates, since blogging by i-phone is tough!

The Pregnancy - Day 255

2009-11-30T10:55:00.003-06:00

Today is day 53 in Confinement. The parasitic organisms that have taken up residence in my abdomen continue to pummel my internal organs until my muscles contract regularly. I've been told this process will eventually result in my body expelling the little organisms and that they will look like human children. I have my doubts, as I've had regular contractions 1-2 times a day for nearly two months now and so far there is no sign of the organisms tiring of their warm home.

Meanwhile, my abdomen has swollen to alarming proportions to accommodate the growing organisms. The doctors measure this swelling on a "40 week" scale. I score somewhere in the 50s. As the clothing provided to people in my condition is also cut to accommodate the 40 week size, I am reduced to wearing a few highly stretched garments over and over. As expulsion of the organisms will be forced in 10 days at the most, purchasing new clothing is not efficient. If even such clothing could be found.

My spirits are relatively high as some of the stabbing pain that persisted through the last few weeks has subsided. Perhaps the organisms have become so crowded that they cannot maneuver their sharp, pointy bits into the same places anymore. Whatever the cause, I am grateful.

My prison-like diet continues to bore me, but I was able to sneak some of the good food late last week while the non-afflicted in my household were consuming to excess. The parasites seem to be more and more jealous of the food that I do eat as they seem to be attempting to expel it back up my esophagus on a regular basis. This has been causing more and more discomfort over the last two weeks. I look forward to the feast I will have once the organisms are expelled, and I am allowed normal food again.

Climategate

2009-11-28T08:57:00.003-06:00

I've been following this since news first started breaking in the UK last weekend. Dr. Curry at Georgia Tech recently published an essay, reprinted here, which I highly recommend as it sets the right tone as scientists and policy makers move forward from this. Open communication between scientists is essential as the perceived threats of global warming are starting to have significant political and economic implications for the world.

"Extraordinary claims must be supported by extraordinary evidence." If we're going to ask billions of people to accept economic hardship in the name of global warming, we better have some extraordinary evidence that withstands the scrutiny of others.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T15:56:00.004-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I'm having a bit of trouble with the idea that it's Thanksgiving today. I think this is partly because it's about 65 deg outside. The other part, maybe the majority, is that this is pretty much what I do every day. Sit around the house and watch TV. I feel like I've been suspended animation for the last two months. Except for the growing belly and decreasing level of fitness, everything stays the same. No doubt the turkey dinner will make me feel like Thanksgiving.

The roof is finally getting replaced; it's about 75% done. They'll finish it on Saturday. Then we can get painted, floored, and we'll be done. Maybe before the babies arrive? It's possible.

35 Weeks, 3 Days

2009-11-23T15:34:00.003-06:00

They simply do not make maternity wear for people as big as me. I have 2 shirts that really cover my whole belly, and one of those stretches so thin you can pretty much see through it. I've decided I don't care. People will just have to deal with seeing the elastic in the pants. For half a belly. 17 days max until I deflate.

I have my last ultrasound appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping that we'll get the news that the babies have turned, but I'm pretty sure I can feel B's head on my left still, and I'm getting kicked in the pelvis enough to believe A is still breech. Assuming that they stay in those positions and that I don't go into labor naturally prior to the day, we've scheduled the C-section for December 10. When I'm thinking about the addition of infant twins to our life, that seems like really soon. When I'm thinking about the discomfort I'm living with right now, it seems like eons away.

If we do have the babies on Dec 10, I will have 94 hours of sick leave left when I go on maternity leave. That gets me to about Christmas. I wonder if I should request the advanced sick leave now or wait until I'm almost out. At any rate, by the time I get back to work I'm going to have nothing in the bank for taking care of sick babies.

Epic Belly: Episode V - Minor Planet

2009-11-14T19:39:00.003-06:00

I've been told that I shouldn't go silent on the blog for so long when very preganant with twins. Apparently, it makes people wonder if something is up.

It's actually about the opposite of that - nothing is up. My days are all pretty much alike, which means there's not much to write about. I suppose I could treat you all to a daily litany of how bored I got today before Gavin and Carina came home, but that wouldn't really be very interesting.

Actually, I was planning on posting a 33 week belly picture last week. I didn't quite get around to it, though. So here's a double installment. First 33 weeks (last Friday). I decided to hold the dress under my belly so the full extent of the belly was visible. (It also makes the part that is just me look way skinnier.)

I put the dress on because I was going "out" (to the doctor to get a flu shot). I realized when I got there, that wearing a dress wasn't the best idea. Sure it was comfortable and looked nice. But I actually can't sit in a straight-backed chair with my knees together. Physically can't. So I had to carefully tuck the dress between my splayed knees every time I sat. Not the best arrangement.

Next, we'll take a look at 34 weeks (taken today at 34 wks 1 day). The scary thing is that you can actually see a difference. A fairly pronounced one.

I've started counting down to Thanksgiving instead of Christmas. 36 weeks (day after Thanksgiving) is actually more likely as a delivery date than 40 weeks (day after Christmas). Plus, it is way less depressing that way. I'm wondering how my body will handle another two weeks of this, and 6 seems completely unacheivable.

At my 32 week 3 day ultrasound, baby A was 4 lb 10 oz and baby B was 4 lb 9 oz. They're probably both over 5 lbs now.